Freedumb?
by PastellPop
Summary: A very nonsensical and terrible Free! crack fanfic. That may or may not involve butts. But if it did, that would mean this is a butt-crack fanfic. Oh no.


Random Free!

Rei.

"Hey Haruka-chan. Rei-chan has a pretty nice butterfly stroke so far. I'd say he'll definately get better with practice "

Or, that's what Nagisa was SUPPOSED to have sent.

But at the worst moment, his finger slipped, and pressed "send".

_"Aah! Oops..."_

Nagisa glanced up to the screen of his sent E-mail.

It was already sent, no use trying to get it back. Might just type up a new one...

But no. Nagisa looked at what the unfinished message sid.

And it was one of the most embarrassing, off-putting things hehad seen in ages.

The message, written with a bubbly font and eager tone, read:

"Hey Haruka-chan. Rei-chan has a pretty nice butt"

Nagisa was just about to bury his face in his hands when he saw the next thing that made him jolt.

His message was set on "Send To All E-mail Contacts (21)"

"GYAAAAAH!"

Nagisa slammed his face into his soft penguin-printed pillow.

He felt way too embarrassed to move or even try to fix it. His face sank into the menacing warmth of his pillow in despair. His astonished pupils shrank until they almost got sucked into his brains.

Now it wasn't as if he sent it only to Haruka. This meant even his mother would receive the off-putting mail.

And his grandparents. And the swim instructor. And Rin. And his homework buddies from middle school he hadn't sent a message to in years.

_And Rei._

**Dun, dun, ****_DUUUUUNNNNN._**

_"It was all a misunderstanding!" _Nagisa wanted to say.

"My spazzy little butter finger simply slipped at a very very crucial moment, while I was right in he middle of typing the "**butterfly**" in "**_butterfly stroke_**"!"

Mortified and breathing heavily, Nagisa dared to lift his head up, reset the page, and try to fix things.

His inbox already had that notorious (1) symbol besides it.

"Adjahfgaghsh." he mindlessly clicked it just so he could get this over with.

Sitting pretty in his neat little inbox was a reply from Rei Ryuugazaki himself. In fact it was the first E-mail he received from Rei, as he exchanged E-mails with him just recently.

"Nagisa, how could you say such a lewd and scurrilous remark about my buttocks?!"

...

Nagisa, who was freaking out seconds before, was now bursting into laughter, as he was actually picturing Rei saying this in real life, with an embarrassed face, yelling in an agitated yet anxious voice.

He even tried impersonating Rei in the exact tone he imagined.

"A lewd and _scurrilous_ thing about my BUTTOCKS."

Nagisa laughed even more. It was too fun.

"Buttocks." he repeated, chocking back his laughs.

"Buttocks. Buttocks, BUTTOCKS."

"Nagisa Hazuki, what has gotten into you?"

Nagisa's mother burst into his room, with a concerned look on her face and a laptop in her hand.

Nagisa froze mid-smile, feeling like he was going pale.

"Nagisa, you aren't flirting with girls, are you? Who are Haruka-chan and Rei-chan? Is Rei-chan your crush or your girlfriend? I told you to never look at girls' butts!"

Nagisa closed his eyes tightly shut and turned red.

"Mom, Haruka-chan and Rei-chan are both boys, remember?!" he said. His mother looked a bit more shocked.

"No, it was just a typo, honestly!"

As a tiny tear sat on the edge of Nagisa's saucer-sized eyes, his close friend, Makoto Tachibana suddenly burst into his room through the windows, holding red flowers in each hand that gracefully trailed behind him.

Nagisa was so surprised he jolted out of his seat, with Makoto standing tall right in front of him. He closed his eyes, bowed, and opened them again.

_"Nagisa..."_

Makoto uttered and suddenly the room filled with romantic violin music.

_"My little Nagisa, I cannot tell you how deeply you have touched me, nor the amount I have been moved... by your courage to admit that you like Rei's buttocks."_

Makoto held his strong arm to his chest as he spoke, in a dreamlike, consoling tone. Sparkles practically beamed out of his fluttering green eyes.

_"I bought you some flowers and cookies to celebrate such a wonderful milestone in your blossoming life."_

Makoto kneeled to the ground and set the beautiful roses and golden cookies to the floor of Nagisa's rug. A soft, brown bunny even sprung out of the flowers, sniffing around carefreely as well.

_"I even brought for you, a bunny for the two of you to raise as if he were your son. He will follow into your footsteps. Please embrace your feelings. Make sure that rabbit grows to be a true man one day."_

A tear dripped from Makoto's eye, which he dramatically wiped away with a pink handkerchief.

_"Oh Nagisa,"_ he plunged towards him.

_"I wish you and Rei the very best!"_

Makoto wrapped Nagisa in his arms, and gave the tightest, warmest, sweetest, tingliest, Makotoiest hug imaginable.

Nagisa felt like he was turning into jelly inside of Makoto's... embrace.

"Um... okay... I... really... appreciate all this.. b-but... but... but... but... but... **BUT. BUT. BUT**..."

"There there. I can tell how much you love his butt-butt-butt. I understand."

Makoto was now caressing Nagisa's soft, springy hair.

Nagisa grew even more flustered.

"No! But... but... but... but but but but... BUTT... AAAAAAUGH!"

Just then, Rin and Gou Matsuoka burst into the room (through the door, thankfully), holding a giant cake that looked like Rei's butt. (with the penguin speedo on.)

"AAAAAUAGH!" Nagisa screamed when he recognized the sight of it.

Gou was smiling and giggling as Rin was clearing his throat.

"Okay, keep in mind Gou dared me to do this." Rin said, coldly, as he clapped his hands.

He moved to the middle of the floor and clapped his hands.

"_**OOOOOOOOOOOOHHH**_." Rin sang a beautiful operatic baritone note, one would be amazed Rin even had such a voice in him the whole time.

**"OOOOH.**

**Congratulations, to our precious Nagisa, for confessing of his feelings for REEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIII."**

Rin's voice was so big, it almost cracked a window.

But Gou suddenly pulled out a DJ set, played some funkay music, and Rin striped his jacket off and rapped.

**"Rei will be your little ray of light in the sky,**

**And every time you look at him he'll look just like a butterfly.**

**Shota, can't you see the sparkles in his blue eyes?**

**Your fluffy fluffy rainbow hearts will never die."**

Nagisa grew so frustrated with the misunderstanding that he took to the ground and started to cry.

Everyone in the room gasped.

Suddenly,

"Aaaaaaw! He must be so happy!"

"Oh, Nagisa baby, please don't cry, please don't mess up your um... red-magenta-purple-pink-burgundy-whatever-color-th ey-are eyes..."

Gou tried to keep keeping the beat constant while Rin sang, but Nagisa's distracting crying made it hard.

"I... DON'T LIKE REI'S BUTT IN THAT WAY." he shrieked, as tears streamed down his face.

Meanwhile...

Miles away, as Haruka was lethargically laying in an almost-overflowing bathtub, his Haru-Haru senses began to tingle...

Haruka's glowy blue eyes flew right open and his pupils immediately expanded.

His mind immediately tuned to tracking mode.

"Haru-Haru senses detect... 5 miles away... two BEAUTIFUL waterfalls have been detected."

The waterfalls' presence made Haruka's sapphire eyes shine like the ocean during a full moon.

"Exact location... the beautiful waterfalls are coming from... Nagisa Hazuki's eyes!"

Haruka immediately jumped out of his bathtub, and with his speedo still on, he began farting out sparkles as he magically floated into the sky towards Nagisa's room.

He broke through Nagisa's window, the explosion of glass almost resembling a burst of raindrops.

"OLEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Haruka sang as soon as he approached the "waterfalls".

He stared intently into Nagisa's crying face, his own blue eyes reflecting the waterfalls of salty tears coming from Nagisa's um... red-magenta-purple-pink-burgundy-whatever-color-th ey-are eyes.

"Free." Haruka's head echoed.

"Free. These waterfalls remind me of... freedom..." he stoically stuck his tongue out and licked Nagisa's tears.

"WHAAAAAT!?" Everyone in the room exclaimed.

"Beautiful waterfalls." Haruka said, stoically.

"I think they're sexy."

He flipped his hair back and forth, put his hand to his lips and blushed.

"I think these moments are so beautiful." Makoto began to cry all over again.

Haruka turned his head around and looked at Makoto now, his face expressionless, but his eyes alone mesmerized and in a trance.

"Makoto's waterfalls..." Haruka thought, approaching Makoto slowly.

"Makoto has waterfalls too,"

...

Just then, Rei Ryuugazaki burst into Nagisa's room.

"OKAY, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" he yelled.

...

**to not be continued...**

**Maybe though,**

**But probably not.**


End file.
